A year ago today

a year ago today

I lie in bed silently weeping

as I have my headphones in

wishing to feel happy again

to feel my thoughts be understood

valued

they say happiness isn't a person a place a thing

that you can't wish to be happy (well you can try)

it is a choice

but what if your choice lead you down the same path of turmoil (14 years of combined paths to be exact)

and every time it ends the same

In pain

feeling like a ghost

trapped

gas lit

small

the only person to blame is you

right?

No, not at all

But

You deserve the pain you feel

You do this to yourself (because you do)

You're unworthy

This is what love is (its the only love you know)

Right?

Wrong

Your compassion

Your depth

Your heart of gold

Wasn't made for them

It was made for now

You took long journeys on unpaved roads

to discover

you are magical

you are everything

sometimes you have to hit the bottom

to see yourself

to know deep down you don't need anyone to feel something

to know you most certainly don't need anyone who makes you feel like nothing

But it's a strange game our mind can play

Going through cycles of letting yourself down

Over and over again

Until you're dizzy

A year ago I realized as I lay there

Next to a person I didn’t recognize anymore

I blamed myself for their pain (Never do that)

But the biggest problem?

I didn’t even recognize me

And I don’t know that I ever had

I needed that moment to remind myself that I was more

More than a weeping girl

Listening to a sad song

Feeling sorry for herself

Recounting every life choice leading up to this

Wishing for a life where she felt valued

Loved

Where she didn’t have to chase someone

Or fight day in and day out to have the life she dreamed of

Begging for someone to save her

And sweep her away

I lay here now with a smile on my face because

I realize in this moment

I don't need someone to save me

Recognizing I now have the life I wished for

I just didn’t know what it would look like

Until this very simple moment

In the most strange of times

Reflecting on the pain that was once there before

But is no longer mine

I didn’t need anyone to save me

Because I saved myself

And I didn’t need to wish for my life

Because someone wished for me.