a year ago today
I lie in bed silently weeping
as I have my headphones in
wishing to feel happy again
to feel my thoughts be understood
valued
they say happiness isn't a person a place a thing
that you can't wish to be happy (well you can try)
it is a choice
but what if your choice lead you down the same path of turmoil (14 years of combined paths to be exact)
and every time it ends the same
In pain
feeling like a ghost
trapped
gas lit
small
the only person to blame is you
right?
No, not at all
But
You deserve the pain you feel
You do this to yourself (because you do)
You're unworthy
This is what love is (its the only love you know)
Right?
Wrong
Your compassion
Your depth
Your heart of gold
Wasn't made for them
It was made for now
You took long journeys on unpaved roads
to discover
you are magical
you are everything
sometimes you have to hit the bottom
to see yourself
to know deep down you don't need anyone to feel something
to know you most certainly don't need anyone who makes you feel like nothing
But it's a strange game our mind can play
Going through cycles of letting yourself down
Over and over again
Until you're dizzy
A year ago I realized as I lay there
Next to a person I didn’t recognize anymore
I blamed myself for their pain (Never do that)
But the biggest problem?
I didn’t even recognize me
And I don’t know that I ever had
I needed that moment to remind myself that I was more
More than a weeping girl
Listening to a sad song
Feeling sorry for herself
Recounting every life choice leading up to this
Wishing for a life where she felt valued
Loved
Where she didn’t have to chase someone
Or fight day in and day out to have the life she dreamed of
Begging for someone to save her
And sweep her away
I lay here now with a smile on my face because
I realize in this moment
I don't need someone to save me
Recognizing I now have the life I wished for
I just didn’t know what it would look like
Until this very simple moment
In the most strange of times
Reflecting on the pain that was once there before
But is no longer mine
I didn’t need anyone to save me
Because I saved myself
And I didn’t need to wish for my life
Because someone wished for me.