I want to write this out because I feel like sometimes we don't talk enough about our struggles and hard ships. Constantly we get mindlessly stuck scrolling through everyone's victories. Getting lost in the envy of living the day dream of others lives. A social media window into a false perception. We put our celebrations on display because it makes us feel valid, it fills our void to have others raise us up with typed compliments and memes. It really does. Don't get me wrong, it is 100% a requirement in my industry to continuously share a glimpse into my world. To make my world look busy and fruitful. It is. It helps me book more work. Keeps my relevant if you will. But let me be completely real. I never over share and never pretend that anything I am doing is bigger than it is. Let me repeat that, I do not fabricate my successes. In fact, 50% of the stuff I work on I can't even share. (*cough NDA humble brag*) Why, because I just can't live a lie. I hate every bit of the falsehood the internet creates for someones livelihood. I am doing well, enough. For someone being in LA for the time I have been, I've come leaps and bounds further than most. I was born for this. I spent years and years preparing to be here, whether I knew it or not. I always knew deep down that this is where I belonged. Every single trip I took for the past 9 years, slowly but surely leaving a footprint, saying, hey LA- I am coming for you. And there were many set backs. Like so many I don't even want to explain. Mostly bad relationship choices, but again, all of the choices we make in life lead us to where we are now, and where I am now is one of the best places I've ever been, so I really really REALLY can not complain. So where does that leave us, you ask? Exactly where I am. In the most recent months there have been a lot of changes in my personal life, details unrelated, these changes really forced me to look at myself and see how many sacrifices I was making for other people but not really for myself. It also showed me that I gave myself very little gratitude for the daily work I put in to make my dreams a reality. I always say that what I am doing wasn't my dream. My dream was to be bigger than myself. To do something that scared me. Think outside the box. I wanted to wake up each day and feel like I had accomplished more than the last. I wanted to inspire others and most importantly I wanted to be more than ordinary because I I never have been known for liking mediocrity. Those wants never changed- they only just became my reality.
So thats the struggle. To find peace within myself. To find that my wants are valid and that I never need to diminish my wants and needs to appease anyone else. There is a certain point where being selfish is completely okay. Where you can say this is for me, I have this space. For me. I find that I have struggled with losing myself too much. And not being present in the moments that matter because I just want to feel everything all at once. I want to cast out my feelings. I want everything that is in front of me, and sometimes it is okay just be. Not everything needs to be defined, or spelled out. It doesn't have to be anything more than it is. We all want to feel valid. Loved. Safe. But we can find that inside. If we try.
Stop dreaming...and start doing!