You are too sensitive
Get over it. Stop being so dramatic. You are too sensitive. Does that sound familiar? I can't tell you in 32 years how many times I've heard those things from people I love. It cuts deep. Especially when you don't even understand why you are this way. Oh right- you are a mother fucking Empath. So just let go.
It has taken me this long to really let in my emotions. To live through them. To let them affect me and to really fully feel them. I have found a new sense of freedom by letting those feelings in, and by doing so, it allows me to let them go. I think as an empath and someone who is very in tune with their emotions, it has been a long road of fighting the current. Not fully understanding the overwhelming burden of being around people who are toxic. My entire life people close to me would label me as a drama queen or overly sensitive. I would throw a tantrum. Angry at myself. Everyone around me. Am I overly sensitive? Am I being dramatic? I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I am hurt by your insensitivity. I blamed everyone else. But after all this madness. After all this learning. I never really knew that I was the culprit. I put myself in situations with people who were not compatible with me. Who didn't understand me. Who lacked compassion. Warmth. Selflessness. The problem wasn't me emotionally. It was just me. My choices. My being drawn to narcissists. My hoping I can fix them. My inability to see that you can't make someone soften. You can't make people talk to you who don't have the ability to open up. You can't hold someone enough and make them warm. Or think the way you do. It will never happen.
It is so easy to get stuck questioning everything and everyone around you. It is even easier to dwell. To be overcome with emotions, especially when you grow up thinking there is something wrong with your psychology because you feel so much. All at once it's a giant wave of intensity. Crushing even.
I was the typical ugly duckling growing up. Awkward. Tall and lanky. Picked on for being too skinny. Picked on for being flat chested. Picked on for my mouse nose. I was depressed. Timid. Confused. Lost. I felt abandoned. I was nice. And people were mean. It never made sense to me why being kind made people want to take advantage and hurt me. I hated going to school. I hated everyone. All the people around me were going to put me down. So I was drawn to metal music. Darkness. The anger. Chaos. Structure. A place where I felt accepted. Music became a place where I could feel. Musical poetry. And now that I look back its so obvious. It's so blatant that everyone around me shut me down. Made me feel like I wasn't good enough for them. So I blamed myself for feeling. I was afraid of feeling because it hurt so much.
So what is the lesson??? I felt these things for the last 16 or so years of my life. It took me that long to fully recognize that I have the ability to look inward. That there isn't anything wrong with me. That we all have our own "stuff". We are all human. I just have to take hold of my emotions. Take responsibility for them. I have to surround myself with people who share the same energy. Passions. Goals. Positivity. I think acting really has allowed me to gain control of these feelings. To accept them. Face them. And understand them. I have spent the last 10 or so years learning about myself. Researching. Discovering the psychology behind how we communicate and operate. Human emotions are so complex and until we really understand ourselves, we can never understand others. It is okay to feel. We will never fully feel happy and content at all time. But our perspective. Our outlook. How we deal with things, changes the course of our lives. We are not in control of anything or anyone except our own actions. I wish I could have told my younger self that everything will be okay. But I am thankful that I have had these life experiences to make me who I am today. I AM A kind. Understanding. Complex. Sensitive. Strong. Powerful. Selfless. Compassionate. Relentless Woman. Living out my reality in the place I fought 9 years to get to. Full of emotions. And giving no fucks.